The usage of tools

[Dr-Joned]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh!t!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Gibsonman63]

SOLDERING IRON: A tool for randomly melting the insulation from wiring adjacent to componants being soldered. Also useful for leaving permanent marks on your hands.

AMPLIFIER CRADLE: A device to securely position an amplifier chassis in such a position that that soldering is impossible, thereby further protecting whatever you are working on.

WIRE STRIPPERS: A tool for removing wire insulation along with half of the conductor stands... but manages to always leave a nearly invisible strand at an odd angle for shorting.

WORKBENCH: An area used to camoflage tools, schematics or electronic parts making them virtually impossible to find.

TOOLBOX: Useful for storing the exact tool you need remote from where it is needed.

TOOLSHED: An area used to hide the aforementioned toolbox.

[M Fowler]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

Then there is the BFH, big fucking hammer, when thing really need to get serious.

[Structo]

SON-OF-A-B!TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B!TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Ha!
My favorite tool!

Always within reach.

[Reeltarded]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

I will never forget when my friend launched his $25k mandolin from my buffing wheel.

You can't help but laugh... uncontrolably, for ten minutes.

[greenbottle]

These are classic examples of "O'Briens Law"

O'Brien was the first person to realise that "Murphy " was an optimist.

I heard a voice that said "Smile, be happy things could get worse"
So I smiled and was happy and things did get worse.

Alan

[passfan]

It was the near loss of my left index finger up to the first nuckle that taught me how to take the time to build jigs and pay attention. I am analy clean in my shop, spending more time on cleaning and jigging than actually building.

[cbass]

Anyone ever notice that a table saw is just the right heigth to launch materials right back into your balls.consider your self lucky if it hits the wall.

[LeftyStrat]

EPOXY: A resin and hardener that will set at a rate inversely proportionate to the amount of time you have. Often used to permanently attach work pieces to your workbench.

SHELLAC: A finishing resin, secreted by the female lac bug, which apparently every other insect on the planet wants to swim in.

MDF: Stands for Medium Density Fiberboard, but we're not sure what that is, only that we never want to have to carry a 3/4" 8'x4' sheet of HDF.

SQUARE: Something that tells you how off your were when the epoxy dried.

JIGS and FIXTURES: The only things you ever end up making in your woodworking shop.

[Bob S]

I flat out refuse to have a ball pein hammer anywhere handy while I'm working...

[Bob S]

And lets not forget the dual action pointy nose pliers which can nip & puncture your hand at the same time. Should be called toofer pliers.

[Structo]

Anyone ever notice that a table saw is just the right heigth to launch materials right back into your balls.consider your self lucky if it hits the wall.

As a matter of fact I do.

Years ago I was cutting off the end of a board and neglected to use a fence to push it through the blade.
As it cut through the board it launched the cut piece back into my crotch.

Luckily it hit me just above the unit,
But man, I had to go to the rest room to check the damage.
I had a hell of a bruise there for quite a while.

I have never used a table saw again without a fence.