SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
CHANNEL LOCKS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
Very effective for digit removal !!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also good for Digit Removal
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
Hammers & utility knives.
Throb & bleed.
There's nothing like your thumb throbbing after a hammer has had it's wicked way with it.
I likes to keep the utility knife blade nice & sharp.
hurts less when you slash yourself.
The power tool section just makes me think of emergency room visits.
The best thing to do when you hit your thumb with a hammer is to pass slam out right on the spot. You won't go into shock as quick. If you can't quite manage that then poke yourself someplace right away with a sharp stick. It's a known fact that you can't hurt two places at once. Or so they say....
I think the first time I ever really understood that life sucks is when I hit my left thumb square on as hard as I could with a heavy long handled screw driver. I was trying to get an electrical box lid to snap over the screw in the upper left corner. The really astonishing thing about it was that after I climbed down off the ladder, in mortal agony, my mind says to me; "You know, this won't be the last time you do something like that. It happens all the time".
That's why they invented stress medicine.
The Last of the World's Great Human Beings
Seek immediate medical attention if you suddenly go either deaf or blind.
If you put the Federal Government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years time there would be a shortage of sand.
As a younger guy, I spent a summer framing houses, and this was before air compressors and nail guns. We used waffle face rig axes, and apparently they were tailor made for removing one's left thumbnail (if you're right handed).
